Do you remember the days of your childhood when making friends used to be easy? You could even accidentally make a best friend.
Last year was Presleah’s kindergarten year and she met Scarlet. Every year the first day of school is a half-day and then there is a big “Back to School Palooza” event outside. They have food, games, and inflatables. Presleah was running around from inflatable to inflatable with this little girl and they were inseparable. We asked Presleah, “who is this girl? Did you know her before today?” She replied, “no, she’s just in my new class!” They literally had never met each other before that day, but became instant friends and continue to be BFFs today.
Don’t you wish it was like that now?
One of my Youth Pastor Connections, Jonathan Mckee wrote a book with his daughter called, “A teens Guide to Face to Face Connections in a Screen to Screen World.” It is a great book. I helped edit and was a pre-reader for it. Most of the facts I have included are coming straight from that source.
From the latest study, 45% of adults find it difficult to find new friends. It also states the average American hasn’t made a new friend in five years, you peak in popularity at the age of 23 and for 36% of people, it’s even earlier at 21.
Some of you are getting worried now thinking I wasn’t that popular at 23 and that’s the best it gets?!?!?!
It even says that 45% of people would be willing to go out of their way to make a new friend if they knew how!
The average American has 16 friends: 3 friends for life, 5 people that they really like and would hang out with one-on-one, and 8 people they like but don’t spend time with one-on-one or seek out opportunities with.
82% of those studied said lasting friendships are hard to find!
Another poll by Barna revealed that 2% have no close friends and another 14% only have 1-2, with a majority of people (39%) only having 3-5.
We are in a friend crisis. We even have people we like, but don’t take the action step of spending time together.
Even in the beginning of Scripture, there is a recognition that we were designed for relationships.
Gen. 2:18
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
With everything else, God creates he says, “it is good” and moves on, but when it comes to humans, he realizes that it was missing something and creates a partner for the relationship.
How many friends do you have? Have you ever felt lonely even though you are surrounded by people?
I have always loved this joke about the show “Friends:” after ten seasons, the only thing that was unbelievable out of all the storylines wasn’t the apartment they could afford with their jobs, or that they could always get a seat on the couch at Central Perk, but rather that they had that many friends in their 30’s.
There have been several times in my life and ministry that I have looked around and said I have a lot of acquaintances, but I don’t have a lot of friends. So I began to be intentional about building friendships. I talked to several people who seem to always be surrounded by people and have friends for life and I asked them how they did it.
These are the lessons I learned about being a friend, making friends, and keeping friends.
1. Stay connected.
You are laughing right now, aren’t you? Probably saying, “oh thanks for the great advice!” It really is that easy.
I remember asking this question to Kyle Embry, a former Youth Alive missionary, now Executive Pastor in Carrollton TX: “What’s your system? How do you stay on top of all of your relationships and stay so connected to so many different people?”
As you can tell, I am a systems guy. If I can build a system for it, I can do it, but the simplicity of his response made me laugh. He said, “when I think of people, I reach out. I don’t say, “oh I need to," I get out my phone at that moment and I send them a text. If I am driving past somewhere that has a memory of them, I call them and just check on them at that moment.”
Let me tell you from someone who’s been on the other side of those texts and phone calls, it works. I believe not only does he practically do this well, but I believe that God directs his thoughts to people in the right moment when they need connection.
So next time you relive a fun memory of someone, or they run across your mind, or you drive through their part of town, reach out. You just may be rekindling the friendship that you have been looking for.
2. Time can make up for a multiple of differences.
One of my best friends, and really the only person outside of my family that I call on the phone regularly, is a 57-year-old guy. The investments of time cover differences. We are from completely different generations, backgrounds, and economic classes, but it works.
So maybe you are looking around your life and you don’t see someone that looks like you or anyone who resembles what you normally look for in a friend. I say this with confidence — whether you are a pastor or a congregant, your best friend is probably sitting in a chair in the sanctuary at your church. If you’re in ministry, don’t neglect the opportunities that lie within the staff at surrounding churches. There have been multiple times in our ministry that Mandey and I have found significant relationships with pastors at churches in our area. This is only discovered through the filter of time. Start investing that time today. Don’t wait.
Do you know I have friends that I didn’t like or weren’t connected to at the start, but because of the investment of time we became good friends? I remember the first time I hung out with some of my now friends and left with the thought of oh, they are different. But now I wouldn’t trade those friendships for anything. (Notice I am not putting names here, lol).
Pastors are in a unique spot because of the nature of our job. We are oftentimes forced into friendships with people of our church that we don’t get to choose. Sometimes the disconnect of age or background can make us feel isolated, but take it from someone who has found true friends and value from the differences in people; take another look around you for potential friends.
3. Embrace the awkward, break the routine, and be the initiator.
I have been here at Brightmoor for three and a half years, so that means I have been in the building for around 175 Sundays. This means I’ve had 175 (and if you include Wednesdays, 350) lobby moments where we have talked about my non-coffee drinks, the bright sun in the lobby windows, the weather, the snow, us finding a house, talked about my girls, the Lions, the Wolverines, cider donuts and had 350 lobby conversation opportunities with some of the guys I took hunting with me.
But in one weekend, four days' time, the relationships changed. We talked about real stuff: marriages, finances, dreams, and spiritual issues. TIME turned the table in our friendship.
If you want to have friends be ready to make that investment, plan to break the routine, and do something together to take your relationship out of the lobby. Or you could be like me three and a half years later and we are still talking surface issues.
Be the initiator and invite someone to go do something away from the regularly scheduled activities.
I know putting yourself out there is hard, but just remember that 45% of people are saying that they would be willing to go out of their way to make a new friend. The odds are people will jump at the opportunity to be your friend.
“You meet people by chance, but you deepen friendships by choice.”
What advice would you add about making and keeping friends?
Now, click out of the browser and go to your messages, and set up a time for connection with someone you have been meaning to. Then come back and tell us how God is bringing friends into your life. Finally, tag someone that you have been missing and need to reconnect with.
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